This one comes with an all too common apology that I’m not reviewing the game I’d like to be reviewing right now. Indeed, were the tax-dodging imbeciles at Amazon even remotely capable of doing their jobs, and were the incompetent code monkeys at EA at all able to construct a game without a horrendously broken DRM system, I’d be playing SimCity right now and having a jolly good time of it (well, maybe). Oh yes, and there’s one other problem. I’m sitting in a bell tower while the undead claw at my feet, frantically scrawling this onto a scrap of cloth torn from my urine soaked trousers. It’s zombie time again.
After I successfully shot a missile in the fuel cap and blew it up last year, my handlers couldn’t extract me from the Battle of Berlin, so I had to hang around for a while. Unfortunately, it seems our old friend Hitler wasn’t pleased with all those communists swarming around his city, so he released an army of dead Nazi soldiers to kill us all. Typical right winger, sending the terminally ill back to work. Still, I happened to be carrying an inordinately heavy amount of weaponry, so I was well-served for slaughtering the shambolic monstrosities by the hundreds.
I have a bit of a mental problem though. I think it’s all the death. Whenever I shoot one of the dirt-covered walkers, the camera – I mean my brain – focuses on the bullet and follows it in slow motion until it careers through the skull of whatever living being I’ve pointed my rifle at. It used to happen on previous missions too, of course – but then I was only shooting living Nazis, and because they were terrible at war, there were much fewer of them and it didn’t get boring. Now it’s all ‘ho hum, rapidly spinning chunk of metal bursting through a human skull like a lance through a watermelon. Seen it once, seen it a million times’.
I made my way to this house full of weapons, but the dead started attacking again, so I had to give them a lead sandwich. It was only polite for my guests. Only thing was, I couldn’t find any bread, so I gave them bullets instead. Still, everything was very pretty from in there. The uniforms were well-rendered and the lighting effects were wonderful. It was like I was in a video game from the future. Which of course, it would be, since I’m from the 1940s and video games won’t be invented for thirty years. Also, what’s a video game?
I get the feeling this whole zombie thing was made as some sort of excuse to squeeze another mission out of me instead of inventing a new agent with new missions. I was meant to have up to three buddies with me, but because my boss doesn’t have any friends, I had to do it alone. I get the feeling it would have been a lot easier with them, since a lot of the times that weirdly lit fog descended and I had to hold off the horde for a while, there were three or four entrances they kept trying to push through and it’s a massive pain trying to keep them out.
Even with the huge effort I went to, I just couldn’t shake the feeling I’d done this loads of times before. Sure it was fun shooting the zombies, but I felt like I’d done it before and better. I mean why do agents like me keep getting sent on zombie missions? Surely there are better things we could be doing.
There were the odd few different zombies as well. Some huge bastard with a machine gun who insisted on shooting at me from inside a church and then a bunch of fanatics who kept running at me and trying to hand me grenades with which I could fight off the rest of them. They must have been faulty though, because every time I took one it’d go off and it really bloody hurt. So I started shooting them instead.
I had a bit of a problem a couple of hours into my mission though. I found myself in this alley with a big mob of the things descending on me. I reckon I could’ve killed more than a couple of dozen of them, but when I ran out of ammo and went to fetch some more, I couldn’t move. I was fixed with fear. The annoying music was still playing, but I couldn’t do anything to save my life – literally. I needed control, I needed to shift and I needed some sort of escape. It was like my process was being ended.
Anyway, I still can’t recall what happened or how I ended up here. I was meant to be back in old Sim City by now, but that just isn’t the case. Maybe by next week my luck will have improved. If I was grading my mission, I’d give it a 5/10.