All Hail the PS4 Pro+++

Sony have revealed plans to release an even stronger, more handsome version of the PS4 Pro just months after the “world’s most powerful console” is set for release. Said to be twice as lovely as the PS4 Pro, which is said to be three times lovelier than the original PS4, the PS4 GGBK boasts heightened levels of PTSD, an extra 4 orifices, a side-mounted pencil sharpener and a 4000000qp (quark-pixel) resolution which is so detailed you can see the onset of herpes breaking out around Nathan Drake’s mouth from twenty feet away.

The power of this more powerful most powerful console is capable of such unprecedented levels of realism, it drove Christiano Ronaldo, who was playing a Fifa 2017 exhibition match as Real Madrid on a PS4 GGBK prototype earlier this week, to a momentary identity crisis. After just a few minutes dribbling with himself up and down the wing, the Real Madrid superstar started to get confused between the Christiano Ronaldo on screen and the Christiano Ronaldo who he exists as in real life and had to be stretchered away from the controller before half-time.

“The world got all twisted up,” he said after a little kiss and a milkshake. “One minute Christiano Ronaldo was playing Fifa on a leather couch, the next minute Christiano Ronaldo was on the pitch, galloping in stuttery strides, being thumbed along by a man with just enough skin for his face. It gave me a strange feeling in my head – like just after a big header or when you accidentally brush knobs with Benzema during the first team bukkake warm-down.” After some time spent watching him stare into the depths of a cardboard cup, we left him muttering softly to himself: “What do they do? When the game’s switched off? Where do they all go? Só Deus sabe…”

The PS4 GGBK is set for release on Ash Wednesday and will retail at $499.99 with a PlayStation Elite Gold Plus subscription. All games released for the PS4 after the release of the PS4 GGBK will be made exclusive to this superior machine and all obsolete Sony consoles are to be deposited in an allocated obliteration area by midnight on March 2, as every PS4 and PS4 Pro is programmed to self-destruct at 1am the following day and the explosion is likely to blow off any nearby limbs or burn away the faces of sleeping loved ones.

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