Last week was all about the games that promise to make 2013 a great year, this week will see the flip side of that coin – the games that are better off not being released. Ever.
7. Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Don’t get me wrong, the game itself doesn’t sound bad – who doesn’t want to play as a badass ninja with a huge sword… one which we never got to see when he was doing naked cartwheels all over the place in Metal Gear Solid 2. This game really just made the list because of its name, and the endless waiting fans had to do to see a release date. Not only did it make up a brand new word just to sound cool, but it also suggests that there’s a bunch of stealth involved, which there undoubtedly isn’t. We all know we’re going to slice our way through cars, taking enemies by surprise “Heeere’s Raiden!” Or perhaps we won’t be cool enough for an overused film quote. Either way, stealth won’t be an option as long as we have a shiny, pointy thing to wield and so the game isn’t truly a Metal Gear game. Stop suggesting it is Konami.
6. The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct
No matter which Walking Dead medium you look at, the story always seems to focus around being quiet and trying your hardest to avoid the zombies at any cost, particularly as supplies are scarce. So what in the world made Terminal Reality create a shooter based on the series? Sure, they claim that you could sneak past, but at no point do they tell you that you must sneak past because you have no ammunition left. Obviously before reaching Atlanta, Daryl and Merle were packing ammunition in every orifice. Lovely.
5. Dead Space 3
The horrors in this game are the same horrors as we’ve all seen before. Usually, the more you see something, the more you get used to it and the less scary it becomes. Not only that but having human enemies thrown at you isn’t that scary, unless they come bundled with a backstory that suggests a dark past. Which these people more than likely don’t. Furthermore, advertising your game with a huge focus on co-op makes it a hell of a lot less frightening, the last two games worked so well because you were alone – no-one to talk to, no-one to help and no-one to stop you going insane, locked in your own mind. Now you have someone to do all of those things, along with tasteless jokes about the enemies and their sexual preferences. However, it’s not all doom and gloom, if you choose not to bring a buddy along, at least you can play completely alone, though the adverts certainly suggest otherwise and if you do have your friend beside you, you still experience completely different stories and emotions, which is a nice touch. Nice, not game-saving.
4. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14
I just don’t get sports games like this. A new one released every year, yet no real differences to justify spending £40 on. If you’re that interested in the sport, why don’t you just go out and do it yourself, get a bit of fresh air, exer- oh right, you’re a gamer, never mind. This game is different from all the other sporting titles as everyone knows Tiger Woods isn’t famous for his golf anymore and hasn’t been for the last 3 years. Unless the game has extra gameplay in which you tell your wife you have a meeting before sneaking into a hotel room with a new, strange woman, I can’t say I’m unduly impressed. While I’m being picky, I may as well also mention that he has a stupid name. Ha! Take that!
3. Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Mirror of Fate
First question: just how did you fit that on a Nintendo 3DS case? It’s probably longer than the storyline itself. Also why? Why does this exist? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying Castlevania itself is a bad series, it’s loved by millions, it’s just this particular instalment. The fact that fans have been told next to nothing about it just makes it even worse. Are you embarrassed by it Konami? Where are the adverts, the descriptions? But of course, we don’t need one, we already know how it’ll turn out – we’ll see pointless 3D elements and probably some even more useless shaking the console about whilst bashing the touchscreen for no apparent reason. Still sound fun?
2. South Park: The Stick of Truth
I may be the only person in the world under the age of 50 to make this statement, but I just don’t get South Park. Just what makes it humorous or even watchable? I’d much rather take their magic stick and repeatedly poke myself in the eyes with it, before snapping it in half and shoving it my ears. Or maybe I’d rather just change the channel… Either way, the TV series can barely hold its own for the first 10 minutes, just how well will a videogame work lasting 20 times as long? Your mum jokes with a side of farting was entertaining the first few times they were heard, when you were a pre-teen, but it’s just not cool anymore. Also, when you’re trying to be obvious with your unnecessary ‘magical’ items, it doesn’t make you good writers, it makes you the same as everyone in the mediocre crowd and below.
1. Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Having a sequel to the original was entertaining and doing it well was a huge step forward for Square Enix, but can anyone really be bothered to have a second one? Lightning was never as great a protagonist as she thought she was in the first place and having to watch her run down one linear corridor after another just made her even more yawn-worthy. Here’s a tip for the future: stop churning out Final Fantasy XIII spin-offs, stop with the online games that cost a ridiculous amount to pay and try giving us another (slightly) original story again, with some new characters, new locations. Just how hard can that be?
So which games are you hoping will be pushed backwards, preferably into a burning pit of death? Or are you completely open-minded and looking forward to everything being released next year? Whatever your opinion, don’t be afraid to let us know!